PWK: Empire Crowning Card + Promo Thread

It’s a red carpet runway, flashing cameras, paparazzi, voices shouting above one another, as the stars of Season 43 of the hit show \☆\~SUPER MASSIVE DESTROYER~/☆/ arrived with much fanfare. The lead actors, a fivesome of tweens - four of whom were replacing several of the actors from previous season, as the studio had declared that they had become too old to market as an effective tween at the ripe age of 17 - strode across the red carpet, waving self-assuredly to the paparazzi. Their agents and bodyguards ushered them along, even as the ‘bad boy’ of the group - realistically an incredibly shy boy with an affinity for gardening who had been assigned the persona, as is tradition within the studio - slowed to awkwardly and uncomfortably flirt with a particularly eager fangirl. Lumbering a few steps behind the lead actors, moreso due to his innately slow walking speed rather than any attempt to put distance between anyone, was the part-time wrestler and full-time giant Tomás Mendoza, the actor behind the title character of SUPER MASSIVE DESTROYER, who waved a hand at the crowd, accidentally slapping the face of a low-flying bird as he did so.

But this isn’t about any of those folk.

Further behind them, strode a bulky, greasy man, with a gaudy feather coat and the kind of sunglasses worn only by dipshits. Sneering at the assorted crowd was the recurring secondary villain of the show, someone who was only supposed to be around for a cameo during season 37, eventually being killed off in a gratuitously violent rock crushing scene. However the odd and unexplainable boost in popularity caused the producers to, within minutes of the season finale of season 37 airing, retcon the murky on-screen demise of Shigure Nikko, better known to the wrestling world as MOIST. And by ‘retcon’ I mean they just brought him back next season without bothering to explain how the guy was walking, talking, and being a breathing jackass to the heroes when he was last seen being reduced to a fine paste amid the underside of a grinder.

MOIST’s brush with mainstream fame was a surprise, most of all to himself. Of course, the wrestler had his own circle of people who knew his name, as a midcarder-at-best in various wrestling scenes. But this was different - he was a household name now, and by god did it go to his head. MOIST flaunted the gaudy feather coat, made from the feathers of an extinct bird, as his arrogant visage was captured by the incessant paparazzi. Questions were thrown at him, most of which were ignored, as they should’ve. However, one question made MOIST pause ever so briefly.

He didn’t even hear most of the question, caught behind the din of the crowd. He only caught one word.

‘Blimblem.’

Now, in fairness, it’s very likely that the sentence did not actually include such a flubber of a word. It could’ve easily been a myriad of any other word in any language, especially since this is taking place in Japan and it’s likely everyone was speaking japanese and everything is just translated for ease of the viewer. Willing suspension of belief in order to follow along for ease of the viewer. Y’know they do that a lot in movies. Like, someone will be whispering even if they’re a kilometer away, but the audience still hears them because, well, they need to in order to follow the story. Or people will be chilling out at night and obviously it’s supposed to be pitch black but it’s illuminated slightly so we, the viewer, can see what’s going on in order to follow the story. Or two people will be speaking in a completely foreign language, before switching to English so the viewers can follow along, despite there being no in-universe reason for doing so. Y’know? We accept acceptable breaks from reality in order to follow the story and in no sane reality aside from this one would a man hyperfocus on a two-syllable nonsense word in the midst of a hundred other words being shouted simultaneously but that’s how it goes.

Regardless. MOIST heard something that might’ve been ‘Blimblem’ in the same way it also might’ve been ‘emblem’ or ‘pimpin’ or ‘semen’ or ‘hark! A vagrant has reconfigured my automobile into a living accommode, I shall never be free from the stench.’ Who the fuck knows. MOIST heard this, and boy did his sneer increase.

As the actors ducked inside the building, off the red carpet and away from the paparazzi, the sneer on MOIST’s features remained. “Blimblem.” He echoed. Or, in japanese, “Blimblem.”

Beside him, Tomás Mendoza - who is not performing on the upcoming card therefore I am under no obligation to refer to him as his stage name of SUPER MASSIVE DESTROYER - arched an eyebrow, leaning in. “Huh?”

MOIST scoffed, spitting on the floor. An underpaid intern with a mop quickly cleaned that up. “Blimblem! Sono namae o yoku kiku nodesuga…”

Tomás blinked. You would think the star of a Japanese show would have at least a passing knowledge of Japanese. “Uh.” He glanced around, before gesturing to the underpaid intern. “Could you, um. Translate?”

Hey, remember what I said about accepting acceptable breaks from reality and movie magic in order to follow a story a few paragraphs ago? Yeah, no, we don’t do that for MOIST. Helps with the ‘aura’ or something. Idk. The underpaid intern, who for ease of writing I shall henceforth refer to as Torvold, eagerly stepped up. “Of course, Mendoza-san.” He replied, bobbing a head, turning to MOIST. “W-”

Grabbing a toffee from the catering table, MOIST shoved it in his mouth. “Blimblem! Doko o mite mo Blimblem ga miemasu! Sore wa doko ni demo arimasu! Kare wa masani kono heya ni iru kamo shiremasen! Kare wa anata kamo shiremasen! Kare wa watashi kamo shiremasen! Kare wa moshika shitara -” He paused, choking on the aforementioned toffee, dislodging it with a hack.

Torvold the intern blinked. “He keeps seeing the name Blimblem everywhere.”

Tomás coughed, his large frame peering at MOIST in confusion. “Blimblem? What… What is a blimblem?”

MOIST spat on the floor. “Blimblem to wa nanidesu ka? Hisan'na himitsu no yama! Sore wa bujokudesu! Watashi wa sutādeari, puroresu to haiyū no ma o yukikisuru yuiitsu no asurītodesu - watashi no yogore o tabete kudasai, Harrows - soshite karera wa watashi ni, kore, kore... Kono hedoro no yama? ! ? To kakutō suru yō yoyaku shimashita. Karera wa nanto daitan'na kotodarou! Watashi wa MOIST! Dore mo MOIST!”

“His opponent for the next wrestling show is named Blimblem.” Torvold translated. “Also, everything is moist?”

“MOIST!” MOIST exclaimed with a thumbing gesture. “Shuto!”

“My apologies. Everything is MOIST?”

Tomás nodded in sage agreement. “Everything is MOIST.”

“Sonokata ga yoidesu.” MOIST scoffed. “Moshi mata onaji ayamachi o okashitara, watashi wa anata o kaiko shi, jūsatsu-kei ni shoshimasu.”

Torvold looked incredibly concerned.

“‘Blimblem’ is a strange name for a wrestler.” Tomás noted, eying MOIST.

MOIST stared. “Naze watashi o mitsumete iru nodesu ka? Watashi mo hen'na namaeda to iitai nodesu ka? Anata no kodomo-tachi wa anata o sonkei shite imasen.”

“Ditto.” Torvold translated.

For some reason, MOIST looked quizzical for the briefest of seconds.

“And this ‘Blimblem’, you’re…” Tomás paused, unsure of what to say. “What is it? Do you not want to wrestle him?”

MOIST looked downright offended. “Nansensu! Ano hisan'na nioi de matto o fuku no ga tanoshimidesu. Ano otoko to kare no orokana kuchihige to kare no hagu e no shinwa-sei, soreha bakagete imasu. Kare wa jibun o arushuno hikaru buttai, mezurashī hakken-shadearu ka no yō ni furumatte imasuga, watashiniha hokanohito no yō ni mufunbetsu ni kare o naguranai riyū ga miatarimasen. Kami o sōzō shiyou to shite shippaishita kekkadearu kare wa, jibun o nanimonoda to omotte iru nodeshou ka? Onegaishimasu. Kami wa yogosa rete shimaeba kamide wanai.”

Tomás glanced at Torvold, who seemed to be having one heck of a time trying to translate this one. “Well?”

“He is… Upbeat.” Torvold replied. “He believes this… ‘Blimblem’ is someone of whom he can have a great match with, an-”

“Watashi wa kare no orokade bukimina egao ga kiraidesu! Sono kūkyona shisen! Robotomī shujutsu kanja no yori ishiki-tekina egao o mitekimashita!”

“And he has a cute smile.”

“Mugen no kanōsei o motte umarete kuru hito mo imasu. Mohō suru koto dake o unmei dzuke rarete umarete kuru hito mo imasu.”

“I’m really glad you seem to be more upbeat and positive about your opponents these days.” Tomás noted with a smile, as MOIST hocked a loogie and spat on the floor. Torvold sighed, dutifully mopping up the spittle.

“Watashi wa kare o naguri, sorekara kare o chīsana enkei no keimusho ni tojikome, hokan-bako ni nokoshimasu.”

“He wishes to take Blimblem under his wing as a protege, and show him the world.”

“Oh wow, that’s really progressive of you, MOIST. I guess since you’re a famous actor and all, you’re looking to give back to wrestling and adopt a protege or something?”

“Kono-ko o uragaeshi ni sezu ni shiri o kereru yō ni, utsubuse ni umeru tsumorida.”

Torvold hummed. “More or less.”

“Hotondo no nōmarutaipu to dōyō ni, kare wa tokutei no taipu no sentō ni yowai to omoimasu.”

“I don’t- Aren’t many things weak to fighting?”

“Hai, shikashi sentōde wa osoraku 2-bai yowaidesu. Osoraku 4-kai mo arudeshou.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

Tomás coughed. “What did-”

“Oh. He suggested his opponent may not be strong against a certain style. Or type, even.”

“Hm.”

“Hm.”

Torvold glanced around. It would seem the topic is over. He hovered awkwardly near the two, before quietly departing.

Tomás shuffled awkwardly.

MOIST sipped at his drink, frowning, making direct eye contact with the bigger man.

Minutes passed.

“... Hey, did I show you the picture of my kids?”

“Hai. Anata no kodomo-tachi wa hidoidesu, soshite watashi wa karera ni akarui mirai ga miemasen.”

“This is Tomás Jr.”

“Sigh.”